This is an incredibly personal and difficult post to right.
I like to believe that I am a positive person. I believe in the power of positive thought and that the energy that you put out has a profound effect on your own energy. I try to smile at everyone and everything, knowing that life is in actual fact really good. I like to also believe that with the aid of this positivity I have grown strong.
The past few days, for the first time since Luke’s birth however I have not been strong.
I had a moment where I simply crumbled. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and then I sobbed some more.
In short, for the first time since Luke’s birth I have been scared.
I have been questioning myself, questioning my strength and questioning my ability to raise a son who will know that he is wanted beyond measure. A boy who knows that he has a place here in this often cruel world. A boy who knows that he can do whatever he puts his mind to.
I have been scared because I have been trying to picture the future but I cannot. I cannot picture Luke as an adult, a teenager or even a toddler. I don’t know what lies ahead of us, and this scares me.
And then something changed.
I took Luke to work with me yesterday and I had one of those moments when I was so proud to be his mum. He was so content, so attentive and so happy. I could see how comfortable he was with so many different people and I could see how in love with him people fell. He smiled and he smiled and he smiled, not once did he cry or become irritable.
I realized something profound. It isn’t about how people react to Luke, but rather how Luke reacts to people. One smile, one intense stare and one tight finger grab at a time Luke is changing lives. How on earth then could I be scared?
Don’t we all want our children to make a difference in others lives? Don’t we want them to make others feel happy, to smile and to leave an interaction with them feeling joyful?
I am not scared. I am excited and I am extremely proud and forever grateful that Luke is my son