I sit here with tears streaming down my face as I write this post. On Thursday I return to work full time. 5 months of quality time with my baby boy have come to an end. I have such mixed emotions.
I am dreading leaving Luke and the thought of me only seeing him for a few hours of the day makes me incredibly sad.
I feel such guilt. I feel guilty because I will not be there to give him his daily massage. I feel guilty that I will not be there to perform his strengthening exercises that have had such a profound effect on his muscle tone. More than anything I feel guilty that a small part of me is excited to get back to the grind stone, to get my brain working again and to see my work family.
In my short experience of motherhood guilt is such an overwhelming constant emotion. Whether one is a mother of a special needs child or not, the feeling is constantly there. We are continuously questioning whether we are doing the right thing and whether we are doing enough.
A working mom feels guilty for leaving her child, a full time mom feels guilty at not contributing to the household finances. It is such a catch 22 scenario.
We are incredibly lucky to be able to leave Luke with a full time nanny. Irene is experienced, kind and most importantly as in love with Luke as we are. I have been training her up so that she is able to continue with Luke’s exercises and stimulation. In addition to this I have the most doting grannies and aunts just around the corner who I know will be there for any milestone that I cannot. For this I am eternally grateful.
Despite me knowing that Luke is being looked after by the right people I cannot help but feel anxious, scared and guilty.
Looking back over the past 5 months I feel like the luckiest mom alive. Jon and I have hit the jackpot in a way that we could never have imagined. We have been absolutely blessed with a healthy, easy and happy baby boy.
Luke my boy, I have loved every second of the past five months with you. Your Dad and I are so proud of the little boy that you have become and it fills our hearts with so much joy when we see the impact that you are already having on other people’s lives.
I always say that you knew that we went through a lot during our pregnancy and as a result you knew that you had to be an absolute angel. You have been this and so much more.
I cannot wait to come home to one of your big gummy smile’s after a long day at work, and I know as you grow that you will come to understand the reasons behind me having to leave you each day.